Goldfish
by inactive-94305943
Summary: Sabo doesn't have the right to grieve, but he can't help it. At least his brothers are here for him. Saboace.


**Hey so i hope you enjoy! This story is incredibly ooc but i wrote it mostly for myself, so pls be gentle**

* * *

 **Goldfish**

* * *

Sabo's fingers are fumbling and unsure as he types in Ace's phone number. It's been three days since he got the news. Calling Ace should have been the first thing Sabo did, but it feels as though the last three days have rendered him comatose. His thoughts are slow and sluggish and blurred by a haze of grief.

Sabo hesitates before hitting the green button and holding the phone up to his ear. It's been a few weeks since Ace last called. Sabo's been busy with college, and Ace with his new job, and Luffy with high school. He still visits home whenever he can, of course, but college is a priority.

But now, Sabo so desperately wants to go home. _Needs_ to go home.

Ace picks up on the third ring. "Sabo?"

"Ace?"

"Haven't spoken in awhile - how are you?"

Sabo doesn't know how to answer. Has no idea what to say. Abruptly, some part of him wants to laugh. He can feel his throat tightening up. No words come to mind and he's tired for a moment, limbs heavy, something dull and painful settling into his stomach. He can't describe this feeling, not even to Ace.

"Sabo? You there?"

"Yeah- yeah, I'm right here," Sabo gasps out, desperate for Ace to stay on the line. He can barely force words through his tightening throat. "I'm sorry."

"What's wrong? What's happened?"

Ace's voice is a little gentler now, more worried. There was the faint sound of somebody talking in the background but it goes silent, as if they've stopped to listen.

"I'm…" Sabo swallows hard, eyes stinging. "I'm gonna come home for a while."

"What happened? If you don't want to leave we can visit, we can be there in two hours-"

"No!"

It comes out louder than Sabo had expected and Ace falls silent. Neither of them says a word for a minute, and then Ace says, "Okay. But… explain, at least?"

Sabo coughs to get rid of the lump in his throat. "They're dead," he manages to say.

"Wait, what? Who's dead?"

"They're dead," Sabo repeats. "Ace, I'm coming home."

"Who're 'they'?"

Sabo tries to explain himself, aware that he's being difficult, still scared that Ace is going to hang up. "I… they're dead. My-"

He's never called them his parents - at least, not in front of Ace. It's hard to say, after all this time. After everything that happened.

"-My parents."

Ace curses loudly, unabashedly, and takes a breath like he's going to say something but then no words come out. Sabo's hand is shaking and he knows that the noise on the other end must be buzzing and distorted. He blinks hard, and that urge to laugh returns and he pushes it down, hard.

"Sabo, I... Sabo-"

"I'm coming home," Sabo whispers in a small voice, because he knows he can't force himself to speak the words any louder because it might just break him. "I'm gonna come back to you two."

* * *

Ace and Luffy are sitting on the front porch when Sabo gets out of the taxi, pays the driver, and turns to face them. For a second, nobody moves. Luffy looks pale. Sabo knows that he must look like a wreck - unwashed hair and sallow skin, and bloodshot eyes that almost distract from the scars on his skin. Of course, Ace and Luffy are both used to the scars, but they can't do much to help the image.

Luffy stumbles to his feet. There are only a few metres between them. Sabo takes a step forwards and drops his bag, and takes another step, then another, movements mechanical. Ace stands too. Both of his brother look so worried that Sabo feels awful for doing this to them. He should be able to deal with this on his own. But he can't - not with this. This is too big.

Sabo closes his eyes, feels something inside of him snap, and then two pairs of arms are around him, holding him tightly against two sturdy bodies. Ace holds him so hard that Sabo can feel the pounding of the man's heart. Luffy fists his hands into the back of his shirt. Something crashes onto Sabo - some painful kind of emotion, so intense that he can't name it - and he clings back, knees weak. The tears don't come.

"I'm sorry," Sabo says, as Ace pulls away and goes to pick up his bag. Luffy doesn't let go, clinging on tight like a stubborn little eel, worry in his face.

"Stop saying that. You don't need to be," promises Ace. "You're here now. We're not letting you go anytime soon."

Luffy pulls Sabo into the house and the blonde's legs are tired - his eyelids are heavy and that thick dullness is sinking into his stomach again. Ace closes the door behind them and the raw familiarity of the place hits Sabo hard, like a blow to the stomach. The lights in the kitchen are just as dull as they used to be - the hook on the wall for coats is still cracked along the side, the walls still smell faintly like rust. But it's warm, it's _home_ , and though Sabo doesn't smile, he feels something inside of him come to life again.

Ace hovers around Sabo like he's a timebomb, something that could explode at any moment. "How… how are you?"

Sabo opens his mouth to answer, though he has no idea what to say, but Ace interrupts again.

"Sorry - that was a stupid question. You're probably…"

It's awkward for a moment as Ace trails off, and Sabo feels bad about being here again, but then Luffy tugs at his sleeve. "You look really tired. Sleep."

"I-"

"No." Luffy yanks Sabo over to the couch with the same surprising strength that he's always had. "Sleep."

Sabo glances at Ace. "You're sure?"

"We're sure," Ace confirms. "I promise we can deal with...everything in the morning. And, Sabo… if it means anything, it's gonna be okay. It will be okay. I know."

Sabo nods with faked confidence, but he doesn't have the energy to make it look believable. "I know," he agrees. Then, "I'm fine."

Of course, he isn't. They all know it. Sabo falls asleep with two worried gazes on him, hating himself for making them worry, still with that horrible kind of regret burning inside of his chest.

In the morning, it doesn't go away.

Ace doesn't want to go to work, not willing to leave Sabo alone in the house, but Sabo manages to paste on a smile and convince him to go. God knows they need the money. Luffy sneaks home from school by lunch time, just as worried as Ace is, and Sabo doesn't have the motivation to tell him off. He doesn't have the motivation to do anything, really. It feels as though the part of his brain that generates emotion has switched off. Sabo has never felt this numb.

He knows he needs to go back eventually. He knows he needs to get up, to eat, to shower. But Sabo's brain short-circuits there, because he can't seem to find a reason why - what's the point of taking care of himself? What's the point of going back? What's the point of anything, really?

His brain is being stupid. Of course there's a point. Sabo knows this, logically, but it doesn't stop the thoughts and it doesn't help him to get up. He's lying in the same position when Ace gets back and he lets the other sit beside him on the couch, and they don't hold hands - Sabo feels as though his skin is burning away already - but Ace grasps onto Sabo's pinky finger with his own, and words aren't really needed.

The regret still doesn't go away.

Day two is slightly better. Luffy has a test so he goes to school (though grudgingly), and before Ace leaves for work, he gives Sabo the one thing Sabo actually needs - a goal. It's small, but Sabo can't thank Ace enough for it. Ace's has always been the one who knows what he needs the most.

"Can you feed the fish for me?" Ace asks. "Remember when we bought them?"

Sabo smiles a little. Of course he does. They picked a huge tank and dozens of brightly coloured tropical beauties, picking out everything they could possibly need, intending to blow their savings on a treat. Of course, the savings didn't quite cover it. Luffy's attempt to sneak the tank out of the store was the funniest thing Sabo had seen in a very long time, and even though they didn't quite manage to get all the fish they wanted to get, a few tiny guppies and a fat little goldfish were good enough.

"I remember," Sabo says. "And yeah, of course, I'll feed them."

Ace moves to the door, shouldering his bag, but he hesitates with his hand hovering over the doorknob. Then he turns, suddenly, as if unable to control himself, and pulls Sabo against him a rough kind of a hug. Sabo's face is abruptly pressed against his shoulder and it takes a moment but then he hugs back, just as hard. Ace needs this just as much as he does.

When Ace finally pulls away, his face is bright red. "You're gonna be okay today, right?"

"Of course. I'm fine," Sabo smiles. "Go to work."

 _You're not fine,_ his brain taunts, as Ace cycles away down the road. _You're never going to be fine. You should be fine. This is what you wanted. But instead…look at you. You're a mess._

Sabo tries to ignore the jibing little voice, and instead moves away from the door and goes to feed the fish. They're running out of fish food, but there's still some left, and Sabo enjoys watching the little creatures swim in a flurry to eat. It's gratifying. It makes him feel a little less lonely, at least, even if they are just dumb little goldfish. Talking to them helps. Sabo even remembers all of their names.

The days start to move faster. Sabo knows that he should go back to the campus, that he's missing more lectures than he ever has, but he can't make himself. The funeral comes and goes and Sabo doesn't go. He hasn't cried about it yet, but the wounds are still raw. It still hurts. Even with how much Sabo has wished for them to die; as a child, locked in his room, desperate to see the children he called brothers; as a teen, running away to live with clueless kids on the roughest street in town; nursing the scars from his final night in the house… they're gone now, and for some reason it hurts so much more than he ever thought it could.

Sabo tries to ignore it, and feeds the fish, and spends time with his brothers. And it helps. And he loves Ace, he knows he does, so much that he can't really breathe through it, but everything's too messed up and confusing to talk about it so Sabo leaves it alone. Time moves on. Sabo doesn't go back to college. He keeps feeding the fish - it's his job now. It helps, a little.

By the end of the first week, he starts drawing. Drawing anything. How the side of Ace's face looks in the sunlight. The little scar on ridge of Luffy's left thumb. A few of the little guppies in the tank. Sabo draws and draws and it's a distraction, it helps him to forget. It becomes his new job.

Sabo's starting to heal, he thinks. Slowly, surely. He's getting better. Ace and Luffy can see it too, hopefully, because he hates making them worry. So long as Sabo can bury his grief, so long as he can forget about it, he can make them both happy again. He can make himself happy again.

He draws more.

Then, at some point, it all just sort of hits him.

Because Sabo fucks up.

He forgets to feed them. All four of the guppies Luffy loves so much float on the surface of the water, little bodies limp. It's raining outside. Ace is due home soon and Sabo can't move for a while. All he can do is stare at the tank. The final one, the goldfish, is still swimming but he looks like he's on his last legs. Sabo barely feels like he can breathe. That horrible regret comes crashing back over him and he is frozen in place. Numb, once again.

Sabo turns, slowly, to the cupboard to grab the last of the fish food. He wraps his hand around the handle and pulls the cupboard open and then the tears are finally there, coming with such force that they're overwhelming. Sabo feels his throat close up. He squeezes his eyes closed and feels the first jolt run through his body, a soft shudder up his back. His lower lip trembles hard and he bites it between his teeth.

There's another jolt, a larger sob this time, so forceful that Sabo feels like he's going to break open. He holds onto the handle like it's an anchor, feeling his body curl in on itself. He bites his lip harder, mouth dry, trying to stifle the sobs but they keep coming, harder and harder, wracking his whole body. He feels blindly around in the cupboard for the food and a pill bottle falls out and onto the floor, spilling pills everywhere, and Sabo sobs harder, standing in the mess, regret crashing through him like a tide.

He knows immediately who it is when the arms come around him. Ace's voice is soothing but more than that, it's sad. So terribly sad that Sabo can't bear it. He cries, freely, letting himself be guided to the table, leaving the dead fish behind. Ace doesn't let go. Sabo fears that he might shatter into a million pieces if he did.

"They're dead," Sabo manages to choke out. "They're dead, I can't get them back, they're _dead_."

"I know," Ace whispers into his hair. "I know."

"They're _gone_ , Ace."

"I know."

Sabo tries to wipe his eyes but his face is so wet that it's soaking Ace's shoulder and it does little good. "I'm so sorry," Sabo tries to explain. "I'm so sorry."

"I know." Ace holds him tighter. "I love you."

"I'm sorry," Sabo says again.

Ace wipes at his tears clumsily and neither of them lets go, or even comes close to it. They're not strong enough for that yet.

"I know," Ace says simply. "I know."

* * *

After a month, Sabo goes back to college.

Life goes on. His parents are gone but Sabo has wished for them to be gone for a long time. It still hurts, but hopefully it's close to okay by now. Luffy comes to visit all the time, armed with affection and cheeriness in spades. Ace comes just as often. They haven't quite… figured it out yet. What's going on between them. But Sabo hopes they can get there soon enough.

But things are getting better. _He's_ getting better.

Sabo wouldn't wish for things any other way.

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 **AGAIN PLEASE BE GENTLE I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS PIECE OF CRAP**


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